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Standing naked in the mirror I looked like I was wearing jodhpurs.  You know, those English riding breeches that are tight around the ankle and calves and then expand in roomy lobes about the thighs.  Jodhpurs.  I grabbed a hand mirror to catch a better view over my shoulder.  Alas, the scene from behind only yielded more equestrian connotations.  This was not cool.  What to do?

I bought 15lb hex dumbbells at Sports Authority and began relentless rounds of dumbbell squats.  Then I read online that compound exercises were good, so I did a combination of a squat with lifting the weights over my head and raising up on my tip-toes for the grand finale.  Two sets of twenty of these, then for the final set just I can only do the bottom half.  The beauty part is I don’t have to make a date for the gym.  I don’t have to be anywhere, it doesn’t have to be a plan.  I can just stub my toe on a dumbbell and remember to squat.  I am understating slightly how many sets of squats I do.  I do them until I can’t in combination with pushups.  I have never had upper body strength, but with the baby-steps mapped out at http://hundredpushups.com/ I started doing them.  I started only being able to do one real pushup.  After a month I can do about 6 real pushups before resorting to knee-pushups.  I hope nobody else is this weak! Weakling that I am though, I did make progress and now there is support and shape to my upper half too.  Pushups also work your core, so it is a fantastic exercise.

After a month of being all about squats I checked my results.  Dang, who is that African-American-Amazon reflected in the shop window?  That’s right.  Do NOT try this at home unless you want a DISTINCT booty.  Since I hadn’t been running or counting calories all that mass just coagulated into a big, round, albeit strong and shapely bottom.  The jodhpurs are gone though.  Tally-ho!

My next plan of action is to run to burn off some extra K-cals,  but to tell you the truth, the strength training by itself yields great results.  I keep my skin hydrated and glowing with plenty of raw, organic shea butter and keep my diet rich in antioxidant rich superfoods like dark green leafy vegetables, carrots, yams, lean proteins and of course adequate water.

..not because of the things you do but because of your intrinsic self-worth.  Where did I hear this from?  Oh yes!  One of my audible purchases last month was “Sex God” by Rob Bell.  This is an audiobook that links sexuality and spirituality from a biblical perspective.

It annoyed me at first with it’s Judeo-Christian perspective, but it was refreshingly open and integrated Christianity with sexuality clearly and intelligently.  So I listened to it for a few loops.  It must have sunk in because today I was hit with what Rob Bell said…that each of us is intrinsically worth dying for because of who we are.  Rob Bell urges women to question the character of their prospective mates, “Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?” He reminds us that, “When a woman is loved well she opens up like a flower” and extols intimacy and unconditional love without being judgemental.

“Sex God” reveals the spirituality of Christian sexuality which I have always interpreted as being masked in male dominant themes.  Instead “Sex God” shows how the Bible teaches mutual submission.  If you can stand the Bible quotes and Jesus talk, this is a neat audiobook.

For the month of June I’d like to improve on my life by practicing yoga daily and getting more in tune with my body. I am working on another blog www.yogavideostudio.com which has some nice resources and links. I just want to de-stress and “body-be” during the month of June. I am simplifying, doing what I do best and working in the sphere of influence that I can control. I’m coming back from the stratosphere, back into my body, practicing my asanas, feeling my breath, accepting my humanness. Taking the time to enjoy the little moments, like putting shea butter on my feet.
Another goal for June is to choose more vegetarian food choices. I want to live closer to what I envision the ideal lifestyle to be. I want to have a conscious lifestyle, not just randomly consume whatever I manage to scavenge up.
In June I am doing less, being more.

My big realization this week is that I don’t need to seek love, that it is just a process of finding and breaking down the inner barriers that I have. Positive relationships are immediately accessible for me as a single person. I can give more fully of myself and accept others completely. I can tap into agape love without indoctrination.
It’s a subtle shift with profound effects because I’m accepting more of life’s abundance for me and others. I usually withhold intimacy for various reasons like the timing isn’t right or someone else isn’t acting right. So I end up talking in loving scripts and performing loving acts, but never feeling anything. It’s becoming urgent for me now to risk being present and vulnerable. I need to let myself go through the intensity of daring to be authentic without numbing out.

I’ve got the habit of numbing out to uncomfortable feelings. But the problem is, even good feelings can be uncomfortable if they’re new and surprising. I want to be aware of the good that is manifesting in my life in order to fully embrace and experience it. It’s my life.

I want to go all-in in my relationship whether I’m married or not. That’s what I’m driving at. I want to invest the best of who I am because I want to be that woman. I know there’s no guarantees. I don’t want to withhold intimacy because I’ve categorized a situation as less than honorable, or less than ideal. I want to love without a series of conditions that need to be met. I want to love unconditionally. I don’t have to be a saint to aspire towards a more complete quality of love do I?

I built up walls to keep me sane in defenseless situations that I don’t want to remember. But those same blocks are restricting the flow of good that constantly trying to bless me. I guess I don’t need them anymore.

There’s no peace in endless searching for love and security. I surrender. I’m going to give my best in what I’ve got right now. I want to live fully as I am.

Technorati Profile

1.  Yogurt.  I’ve accepted all the good aspects of this quick food:  Plenty of protein, not too much sugar or fat if you buy the right kind, active cultures and it tastes really good. The best I’ve tasted so far is Trader Joe’s Organic Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt. My favorite is the vanilla flavor, but I also love the pure creaminess of the plain. Fage is good too.

2.  Baby carrots.  I love this snack because I can crunch all I want.  Orange, sweet, crisp, raw and portable. Hint: Organic tastes much better than the conventionally farmed.

3.  Trader Joe’s brown rice sushi.  This is just so good.  They were out of the brown rice kind today, but when they have it I get it as a treat.

4.  Pure Protein shake.  Also from Trader Joe’s.  Delicious food in a can.  Instant gratification.

5. Pure Protein bars. Again with TJ’s. This isn’t a whole food really. This is my chocolate fix with the benefits of protein. My new theory about chocolate is to have a little bit each day in acceptable forms like a pudding snack, protein shake or one of these bars. Then there is no backlash from feeling deprived.